I remember long ago, when I was a teenager, dusting the living room. I accidentally knocked over Mom’s 9 inch high replica of the statue “Apollo”. His head broke off. I confessed to Mom and she started crying. She accused me of doing it on purpose, and wailed how she could never have anything nice. I glued Apollo’s head back on, but he was never the same.

You may have noticed in my last post that Peggy’s arm is broken off. I’ll glue that back on, too. It’s my fault. I’m always distracted and thinking of 12 things at a time. My head is solving work/school problems from hours earlier, thinking of things I should have said to some slight, wondering what my dreams meant, fantasizing about the future, and if I have any brain cells left, I’m figuring out how to end world hunger.This makes a body clumsy. I’m sorry, Peggy. I’m sorry, Apollo. And I’m sorry, Mom.

Continuing on my clumsy adventures, here are the rest of the simple steps to hanging a chandelier:


32. Set up ladder. Watch out for that frisky doorknob.

33. Run an extension cord from another room and plug in work light. Clip light to ladder.

34. Call phone spotter. Instruct her to call for help if there’s a loud crash and then silence, or if you yell the code word “Rosebud”.

35. Remove cover from light fixture box.

36. Shorten chain by hanging chandelier on the next chain link. This will give you more wire to work with.

37. Pull more wire through the lamp nipple.

38. Reconnect the wires and replace the cover.

39. Reconnect the electricity.

40. Flip light switch on.

41. Witness a “pop” and a flash of light.

42. Grope your way out of the darkness and call a professional electrician.

Disclaimer: I will not assume any liability if you try this on your own. I am not a professional electrician, nor even a very talented amateur. Please, start at step 42, and call a professional.

Stay tuned…